With the Gulf of Mexico currently greasier than an ACNA “bishop” wooing potential schismatics, it’s been disappointing to see my fellow Biblical Christians to miss this marvelous opportunity to blame something else on liberals and homosexualists. As my Facebook friends will know, I’ve been far too preoccupied with putting together a consortium to buy Blackwater (little Phil Ashey might enjoy blowing things up behind people’s backs, but if we can pull this one off I’ll be firing bazookas in their faces) to waste time on peripheral tasks like teaching and caring for the flock with whom I have graciously permitted Our Lord to entrust me.
At least a certain Alaskan animal lover has sought to maintain Conservative standards of logic by holding environmentalists responsible for a little petroleum industry incompetence, but her theological counterparts have remained relatively silent. Consequently I am left with no alternative than to tear myself away from the important task of purchasing my own private military company (the Durham Cathedral staff will regret ignoring my emails when the helicopters full of mercenaries land – wont they?!) to address this alleged ecological disaster.
In so doing I must first make clear that I don’t believe I’ve ever actually met a homosexualist in person. Brother Richthofen’s Friends from Seminary always laugh when I tell them this, and sometimes even try to see if they can trick me into thinking they’re partial to punting from the Cambridge end, but of course I’m much too wise to be fooled by their gay little pranks. Bishop Quinine, on the other hand, might well be correct when he insists that while taking the parish hounds out for their evening walk he’s met one or two behind the sports field change rooms, but whenever I’ve been down there at that time I’ve only ever met charming young men wishing to offer their telephone numbers and meet later for personal Scriptural instruction. Or at least that’s what I assume they’re seeking, though one did offer to help lift my luggage next time I travel.
Therefore I’ve got to admit that like little Martin Ssempa (perhaps this clip is better) I’ve not much first-hand experience of what such people do when not becoming Bishops in New Hampshire and Los Angeles, or perhaps presiding over Mass at Walsingham Shrine, but thanks to my extensive research in the academic literature produced by Larry Flynt Publications and the descriptively named Specialty Publications I can with absolute certainty state that oil plays a key role in homosexualist practices.
Indeed, I have over the years accumulated countless images of young men and women with their writhing nubile bodies coated in the stuff as a prelude to sin, and there can be no doubt that the same people are now attempting to seduce the American public into sharing these perversions by coating seashores with viscous lubricants clearly intended to inflame passions better left dormant until the privacy of a confidential pastoral session with their Senior Minister.
Just see how the liberal media keep making a fuss about a few creatures with beaks marinating themselves (after all, if oily things with feathers really posed a problem KFC would have been shut down years ago), while ignoring the obvious temptation this new ease of access to lubrication presents to young people. No, My Beloved Sinners, this is not so much an ecological crisis as it is a moral one. Thankfully there exists at least one executive who appreciates the Gulf Oil Spill is fundamentally a crisis of morality and ethics: a Mr. Stewart Broom who is Director of Business Ethics at a delightful little firm by the name of “BP”. I’ve no doubt you’ll all be edified by the following excerpt from a paper he delivered a few years ago entitled Raising the bar: business ethics in practice:
“ Well at BP we have chosen to put ethics high on our agenda. It's not because we have more ethical problems than most large companies. It's not because we're unusually high-minded.......Isn’t it comforting to know that if BP can’t afford to keep paying this fine gentleman he’ll have a wonderful future in Bobby Duncan’s sect?
Rather it's because we think it's the right place to be -for our employees around the world, for our partners, for our industry, for the communities in which we do business, for our reputation and performance today, and for our future tomorrow.
Why it matters: What does a company like BP mean by "being ethical"? Well, our definition has a practical focus but it's underpinned by a belief in honesty, respect for others, integrity and transparency - moral values in other words.”
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.